MF'er
I spent the weekend with my dad for his birthday. He and my mom are talking again. For years, his anger sealed us against her influence, but now, softened by his better nature, she’s gone from Mrs. Hiers back to Sheri, once again a potential source of toxicity. He showed me a text from her about our summer plans: "What a surprise, Sarah actually texted me back and said weekends work for her." In reality, I’d just asked what month she was coming and whether it’d be a weekday or weekend so I could plan ahead. But that’s not the point. The point is, she’s using me to bait my dad into sympathy, a game mothers have likely played since the first hen laid an egg. The problem is, Sheri takes character assassination too far—so far that she once convinced herself my dad was a pedophile.
It just hit me: now that my sister lives in Minnesota, if my mom visits Atlanta, we’ll be one-on-one. The last time that happened, I took her on a cabin trip because she felt left out of one I’d planned for the rest of the family. She spent the trip berating me, demanding I wake up in the middle of the night to walk her to the bathroom, groping me in the bathroom, and later telling my sister’s family I cussed her out on the drive home. I remember that car ride with painful clarity—I was silent.
Back to this August. She ended our texts with a "Thank you" and a gif that said, "I love you."
There’s no law that says you have to love your mom. I don’t know if I do, but the thought of saying so makes me feel violated. So, I avoid it. When necessary, I use AI to generate nice messages so at least I know they aren’t really from me. Communicating with her feels less like connection and more like paying the mob’s cut—keep up the payments, and they’re supposed to leave you alone. I ignored her gif, so she started squeezing.
For days, she sent texts like, "Praying you don’t have any storm damage," followed by, out of nowhere, "I’m sorry you were violated by that piece of crap! It happened to me too in Japan on my first Army assignment. I’m always here if you want to talk. I’m a good listener."
I don’t know how she found out I was drugged and raped—if that’s even what she’s referring to—but I know her tactics. I suspect they have roots in my grandma being heavily tranquilized throughout her childhood.
Long story short, I did something terrifying: I answered honestly. I asked how long she’d be in Atlanta, told her I don’t have room for her to stay, and made it clear that if we meet, it will be public, no bathrooms, and no longer than two hours. It’s severe, but I’m being my own mom. Avoidance stops when I trust myself to hold my boundaries instead of caving to other people. My goal is to walk among the living without being dissolved by their will or imagination.
Remind me to tell you about my boss, Chryssi—she’s a big inspiration in that regard.
Anyway, that’s enough for now.