Stink bug
I ate five pounds of shit today!
Sometimes after part of a person lies dormant for a long time, and whatever process was suppressing that part ends, the re-awakening overrides that person's defaults and creates imbalance for a while. Right now, I'm roaming south Atlanta hungry for shit. Does that resonate?
I'm really leaning into embarrassment lately. In a meeting today, I stuck my neck out just to prove I could, probably leaving an unfavorable impression on my senior colleagues. I feel like a stink bug. It’s not the first time I’ve done something reckless at work since starting this new job. I should’ve been laying low after the last incident, but I forgot. I’ll check in with my manager Thursday to see if I’ve messed up, but it’s probably just some mild self-inflicted embarrassment, or at worst, I’ve embarrassed my leadership.
I also got it bad for this guy who shooted his shot as soon as he heard Rene was out of the picture, and by sheer horniness I reversed the power dynamic in his favor, got rejected, and put all my cards on the table in a bold and uncharacteristic move. (Why was I rejected? If the flipped power dynamic didn't do it, it was my body odor - I've been eating a lot of collard greens and way too relaxed about personal hygiene, or my condescending attitude towards the guy.) How is it I'm so dismissive of his tastes and values and yet develop a raging hardon for him?
I think my desires, both waking and in dreams, are pushing me to face things I’ve been avoiding. In daily life, I resist and suppress anything that feels shameful. For example, I have a bad habit of ghosting people when I feel guilt or embarrassment—if you know me, you know exactly what I mean. It’s a toxic pattern. I also let crushes spiral out of control, unable to admit them out of fear of rejection. Both habits can ruin friendships.
But this time I bathed in rejection and sucked humiliation from the drain. We sat there and had a really interesting conversation about what he doesn't like about me and then I even admitted how wild it is that I could still be so horny in the midst of such a humiliating conversation, among other things that I probably shouldn't detail here. The one nice thing about getting older is that what self-worth I've maintained really puts embarrassment into perspective, so that it no longer appears large enough to squash me.
I also recently went on a five-day trip with a friend where I wound up being the third wheel and felt like scum, and while I didn't deal with that feeling nearly as well, I did have a conversation about it with my close, trusted friend (part of the wheel set) and her response was so positive and encouraging, it loosened the little knot that had formed around Tyler in my heart when I moved out. I turned 34 last week and never missed the opportunity for leverage to hang out with Tyler. To his credit, I don’t think I needed any leverage to get his attention. We’re doing great, and I hope we’ll talk about everything soon before I slip back into complacency and bury my shame again.
Lastly, I’m 34 now, and it turns out that Lexapro can make you fat and lazy, so I’m tapering off. Whether it's placebo or not, the important thing is I’m losing weight, waking up earlier, and feeling way more motivated at work.